MY HOPE IS ALIVE TODAY
Wow what a year it has been. I havent written a blog in forever because I was in the midst of a season that I couldn't really put to words. I didn't know how to collect all the thoughts swirling through my mind. Its been a desert season, and I've felt stuck for a long time. It kind of has felt like someone was playing a really big joke on me because I had just left a season of growth and passion at YWAM where my desire for Jesus was above all and I felt ready and prepared to step into what was to come.
The beginning of this season felt like a dream going to Germany to spend time with a friend of mine who became my boyfriend. Then began the long distance relationship. He was in YWAM now growing in passion for God and I was at home in Seattle working 2 jobs drowning in doubt, barely holding on trying to survive lonliness. My hope in Gods plan and promises for my life which I had in the beginning were fading. My fears became bigger, the fight to still have faith in the workplace was challenging, lies began to sound like the truth, and my past was becoming more attractive again.
I lost my vision in this desert and I was trying to get comfortable there because I started to believe there was no Joy after this, that there was no promise land for me. I lost focus on Jesus and who he was. I mainly focused on trying to have Jesus bless my relationship with my boyfriend because that alone was the one thing that was exciting in my life. I depended on my relationship to bring me Joy and reason to hope. I didn't mean to do that and I didnt realize I was doing it. I prayed more conisistently that God would make a way for my relationsip to work than I prayed to battle the lies, the doubts and the fears growing so quickly inside me.
Eventually even my relationship began to fall apart and I was putting my hope in something that was bringing me more pain than it was bringing me life. I was stuck fighting to make the decision to let go for longer than I probably should have but finally I got to the point where I had the courage to begin letting go.
I not only have to let go of a person, I have to let go of a dream and memories, those are the two hardest parts but in making those decisions fears are defeated. Fear of being lonley, fear of not trying hard enough. Confusion is now losing its control over my mind. Lies the enemy has been trying to engrave in me are being exposed. All that is releasing me back into a place of freedom. I feel hope coming back to life.
Decisions take courage and the enemy will do everything that he can to break down our courage. What the enemy doesnt know is that his freakin sneaky tricks he throws our way often lead us to a place where we are so fed up and we fall on our face before Jesus and cry out for help! And help is always found, comfort is always found, love, acceptance, purpose, life, joy, and hope are always found when we surrender to Jesus. When we finally admit that we are weak and he is strong, when we finally admit that our plans are failing, Jesus meets us there. He meets us and says, "no problem kid, dont worry I know what way we can go."
I moved to Los Angeles 2 weeks ago and as I arrived the result of loosing my vision, and focus on Jesus came and slapped me in the face. I was seriously close to packing back up and going home where I had become comfortable in the desert. Really! I was so close! When everything once again that I had planned and envisioned for this season and this move looked hard, I lost hope. I've been putting my faith in my ability to forsee and plan for my future, instead of looking at who Jesus is. Jesus is limitless. The possibilitis are endless with Jesus.
So I did what the enemy was trying to steer me away from. I fell on my face before Jesus and was brutaly honest with him with where I was at. And He met me there like He always will, and He said, "do you want to see what my plan is?" Well he didnt say that immeadiatly after I cried and was brutaly honest, because i fell asleep after that. But as i met with jesus in the days to follow what i've concluded, is that he is inviting me to see what his plan is, and he is asking me if I want to see it unfold. Everyday it is a battle to say yes to him because faith is still hoping to see the things we cant see. That is why we have to choose to trust the one we are putting our hope in.
This is where I am at in my journey right now. I am still letting go of my dreams and memories from my past relationship, I am giving up control of how I expect my future seasons to look, I am learning how to overcome doubt, fear, lies, depression, confusion and insecurities, and I'm learning how to listen for Gods leading in every decision I have to make.
Trust is believing that God is exactly who he says he is and we are exactly who he says we are. Faith is the actions we take while trusting in God. Hope is like the gift we have in our hearts as we walk in faith trusting in Jesus. Eventually we see the hopes we hoped for, but then they are no longer hopes they are the realities of walking with our trust in God. Thats why it is so important for us to spend time getting to know Jesus becasue he is the only way we will make it through every season of our lives.
~Emily Hopf
My hope is alive today,
Because He is alive today,
No matter what I face,
We overcome in Jesus name.
~Bethel Music