Life has not been what I expected it would be right now. It is nothing that I hoped it to be either. When I was on staff at YWAM ( Youth With A Mission) I would do regular blogs and updates and now I hardly use social media, I mostly just look through it to see little updates from my sister or from my family in Georgia or to get encouragement from different devotionals I follow on Instagram. Maybe you are wondering what happened to me, so here is a little insight on my life lately. Like I usually say I write blogs more for my personal internal, and emotional processing so I am a little more vulnerable in my blogs and then I force myself to post them after I write just in case someone can relate, and be encouraged that they are not the only one.
Seasons. A word I first learned about when I was staffing in YWAM. Just like the weather, our lives go through many seasons. In YWAM I heard a lot of stories about different seasons people went through and there was always that one season I heard stories about that I never desired to find myself in. Its the one where it feels like God doesn't speak, and you wrestle with every truth you were ever taught about God. Its the dark, quiet season where you feel like you are failing at life in every area, and you are watching everyone around you ( or on social media) succeeding, getting engaged, getting pregnant, getting their dream job, moving to a beautiful new place... its hard not to compare when you see everyones Joys around you. Of course I am so happy for them because I wouldn't wish for anything but the best for everyone receiving all those good things! But sometimes its just hard when I am trying to find Joy in the struggles.
I've been fighting with God a lot lately about his character. Especially the big characteristics that just seem to good to be true. Like LOVE and GRACE. Those are like the essence of who God is along with a billion other traits that make Him the perfect God that He is, but his LOVE and his GRACE, I've been asking How! and WHY? and also there is NO WAY that his love is that real and there is NO WAY he has enough grace for me. Even sometimes I feel so undeserving that I don't want God to be who he is but then He proves his love and His grace to me and I cannot deny that it is true.
In seasons like this when all plans seem to have fallen through and you don't know what to do because everything is on hold, there must be a purpose.
There must be a God who stops everything just to look at you to say, "Hey, look at you, what do you see?" and then I look at myself and I see undeserving, unworthy, not good enough, hypocritical, wavering, stupid, hopeless, and useless little me. Then I look back at God and He says "Now look at me, what do you see". I see his eyes looking at me, and his eyes tell me He is patient, He knows me, all of me, He understands, He is protecting me, He is not disappointed, He is not disgusted, He is not mad, He is there ALWAYS, and He is not going anywhere.
He is showing me what is true about Him and what is true about me.
Character. It is something that is important to God. So important that He will stop all plans in place so that I can get my character straightened out. My character I am learning has a lot to do with who God is, and I am realizing my views of God are not always right, and some of the views I have of God were only told to me by someone but God right now is actively showing me for myself who He is. I need this. I need to know my God in a personal way, not just because people have told me. Otherwise no matter where I go or what I do, it will be meaningless if I don't know the God I am living for.
So as you can imagine it has been an emotional season, of taking a good look at myself and allowing God to bring out the lies that I so firmly believe in, and allow him to change my mind about those lies and start to hear his truth.
Along with that it has been sort of a boring season because I feel like I am not doing anything, I just work and am barely able to pay my bills, and try to have some sort of fun here and there. I cannot afford school still and I am waiting to become a resident of California so that it is cheaper, and trying to qualify for for financial aid so that I can start school. But even school has been a big question am I supposed to go, should i just go back to YWAM, was I even supposed to leave YWAM in the first place? I don't have any answers for what I should do with my life, because God has just been focusing in on who I am called to be. So I am doing my best to trust that He will show me what I should be doing once I get a better hold on who I am.
Honestly I cannot wait for the end of this season, because it has felt so terribly long! But I also cannot imagine the goodness that God is bringing out of such a difficult time. I cannot imagine a lot of things but I am learning that this God, my God is able, and willing to do big and little things in my life if I continue to choose to place my trust in Him.
~Emily Hopf
Seasons. A word I first learned about when I was staffing in YWAM. Just like the weather, our lives go through many seasons. In YWAM I heard a lot of stories about different seasons people went through and there was always that one season I heard stories about that I never desired to find myself in. Its the one where it feels like God doesn't speak, and you wrestle with every truth you were ever taught about God. Its the dark, quiet season where you feel like you are failing at life in every area, and you are watching everyone around you ( or on social media) succeeding, getting engaged, getting pregnant, getting their dream job, moving to a beautiful new place... its hard not to compare when you see everyones Joys around you. Of course I am so happy for them because I wouldn't wish for anything but the best for everyone receiving all those good things! But sometimes its just hard when I am trying to find Joy in the struggles.
I've been fighting with God a lot lately about his character. Especially the big characteristics that just seem to good to be true. Like LOVE and GRACE. Those are like the essence of who God is along with a billion other traits that make Him the perfect God that He is, but his LOVE and his GRACE, I've been asking How! and WHY? and also there is NO WAY that his love is that real and there is NO WAY he has enough grace for me. Even sometimes I feel so undeserving that I don't want God to be who he is but then He proves his love and His grace to me and I cannot deny that it is true.
In seasons like this when all plans seem to have fallen through and you don't know what to do because everything is on hold, there must be a purpose.
There must be a God who stops everything just to look at you to say, "Hey, look at you, what do you see?" and then I look at myself and I see undeserving, unworthy, not good enough, hypocritical, wavering, stupid, hopeless, and useless little me. Then I look back at God and He says "Now look at me, what do you see". I see his eyes looking at me, and his eyes tell me He is patient, He knows me, all of me, He understands, He is protecting me, He is not disappointed, He is not disgusted, He is not mad, He is there ALWAYS, and He is not going anywhere.
He is showing me what is true about Him and what is true about me.
Character. It is something that is important to God. So important that He will stop all plans in place so that I can get my character straightened out. My character I am learning has a lot to do with who God is, and I am realizing my views of God are not always right, and some of the views I have of God were only told to me by someone but God right now is actively showing me for myself who He is. I need this. I need to know my God in a personal way, not just because people have told me. Otherwise no matter where I go or what I do, it will be meaningless if I don't know the God I am living for.
So as you can imagine it has been an emotional season, of taking a good look at myself and allowing God to bring out the lies that I so firmly believe in, and allow him to change my mind about those lies and start to hear his truth.
Along with that it has been sort of a boring season because I feel like I am not doing anything, I just work and am barely able to pay my bills, and try to have some sort of fun here and there. I cannot afford school still and I am waiting to become a resident of California so that it is cheaper, and trying to qualify for for financial aid so that I can start school. But even school has been a big question am I supposed to go, should i just go back to YWAM, was I even supposed to leave YWAM in the first place? I don't have any answers for what I should do with my life, because God has just been focusing in on who I am called to be. So I am doing my best to trust that He will show me what I should be doing once I get a better hold on who I am.
Honestly I cannot wait for the end of this season, because it has felt so terribly long! But I also cannot imagine the goodness that God is bringing out of such a difficult time. I cannot imagine a lot of things but I am learning that this God, my God is able, and willing to do big and little things in my life if I continue to choose to place my trust in Him.
~Emily Hopf